Storm before the calm
Inexperienced people can often take their seniors’ skill for granted. Much like how a child struggles to imagine their parents as children, or someone learning to ride a bike or swim cannot imagine people that have those skills struggling while learning, I also find it hard to see my seniors struggle with the things I struggle. I simply could not imagine Cathy failing her grading. That’s why seeing her visibly stressed and anxious before her grading was a bit of a shock. In fact during the lead up to the grading, I genuinely thought she was going to fail due to her nerves getting the best of her. The moment the grading started however , something changed. Suddenly the ball of nerves was gone and in its stead, there was someone calm, collected and clearly in control. Had she been just as calm before the grading as she was during it, I would have thought “of course she passed, it’s Cathy” , but that moment of vulnerability was what I needed to actually understand her struggle and the iron will necessary to overcome it.
Losing count
I cannot describe my horror when I got called as uke. A week after the seminar , Cathy sent me a frame, from the grading video, of the moment I was walking up and my face had dread written all over it. But when Sensei called out the 6 principle techniques I saw a ray of hope. I told myself “Perfect, I can just keep count and I’ll know exactly what’s coming so I can mentally prepare myself”. By the time we got to nikyo however , my plan broke down. I was so focused on my ukemi that I’d lost count, I did not know if what’s coming next was ura or omote. In that split second I had to decide weather to dedicate some of my focus to resume my count, or give up on my plan and just purely focus on my ukemi. I’ve been told many times not to anticipate the techniques and just move and feel, but I was scared that if I did not use my cheat, I’d be sabotaging Cathy’s grading. In hindsight, I’m sure Sensei would have just booted me off if I was being an absolute clown, but that did not come to mind in the moment. In the end I decided to follow the advice I’d been given and stop anticipating. From that moment onward, my memory is just a blur until I was asked to sit back down.
In form
Normally I find formalities pointless and often a waste of time. With gradings however , they feel right. It’s not just another ritual to go through. It somehow adds weight to the activity and solidifies the outcome in a way that informality cannot. In fact, it’s the contrast with our regular training where not such strict form is not required in our dojo that makes the grading’s formality meaningful.
Conclusion
Cathy was somehow able to confirm most people’s assumption that she’ll pass the grading just fine while also inspiring people like myself through her public struggle and iron will. I do not know why exactly I decided to drop my cheat while I was taking ukemi, but I suspect it had to do with the atmosphere created by a mixing the grading ritual and the examinee’s resolve.
